Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 3/7/2010
We are just about half way through the World Race now with 6 more months to go! I miss my friends and family but I also love the changes and the challenges, the learning and the laughs, the healing and the hunger for more; more of God, more truth, more healing, more humility, more grace, more love. I know that there is more out there and I want all that God desires to give to me.
While I long for more in the next half of the Race, I am abundantly grateful for all that God has done for me in this first half. I'd like to share some of the changes that are being worked out, some of the lessons I have learned and some of the the things that I have come to appreciate about home so far.
I have learned...
how to "sit" properly so that I don't pee on my jeans when using a squatty.
not to trust vendors who tell me everything is chicken.
to check every nook and cranny of a bus, plane, or room before leaving it! I have "donated" something of value or importance in every country so far.
how to bargain for anything without a sticker price.
to back up pictures and videos! You never know when a tree will knock your backpack off a mini bus and leave your computer hard drive in tiny pieces.not to scratch mosquito bites...resisting for few minutes prevents hours of incessant scratching later.
that a smile, patience and good attitude can both prevent and resolve almost any negative situation.
life is easier when you accept that its not always going to go the way you expect.
words have power. Choose what you say about others and yourself very carefully.
more than just smiles are universal. Things like violence, mercy, injustice, courage, jealousy, self-sacrifice, heartbreak, joy, hatred and love exist in every single nation.
God will answer you if you ask Him to change your life, so make sure you really mean it if you ask. (And if you do, it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you!)
Things that have changed:
my haircut.....the word "trim" does not translate.
my tolerance for spices....anything without a little chili powder seems bland now.
my belief in the effectiveness of antiperspirants.
I can sit and read and not feel like I should be something else "more productive."
I wake up and read the Bible, not because I know I should but because I want to.
I pray believing that God hears me, that He cares and that it makes a difference.
thinking more about others than myself is less of a chore and more of a joy.
being closed up and walled off to avoid pain, rejection or abandonment is becoming a thing of the past.
the belief that perfection is a prerequisite for love is slowly fading away. I am loved and lovable as is (AND SO ARE YOU!)
I have dreams now! And I believe that they are possible!
I will/now appreciate from back home.....
the low cost of Peanut M&M's.
public bathrooms that are free and have toilet paper.
the feeling and fit of clothes that have been put in an electric dryer.
desserts that taste as good as they look (not common in Asia).
watching the Packers play on Monday night (sorry for neglecting you these last few seasons guys.)
multiple, big, fluffy, soft pillows.
homemade lasagna and hot coffee after a cold day out on the slopes.
taking pictures with my friends, not just seeing pictures of them.
watching my little bro try to dance and lip-synch to country songs he doesn't know all the words to.
crazy accents and sharing inside jokes with my big bro (no one makes me laugh like you do you Big Meanie.)
a hug from my mom after having a bad day and the right words she always has to say.
seeing the look in my Dad's eye when he calls me beautiful (I know that you mean it.)
going to my Pa with questions about plants, trees, gardens, farming, cooking, animals, bites, stings, heartbreak (you really are one of the wisest people I know.)
I cannot wait to start the next half of the Race in a new continent, armed with a new perspective. Looking at these lists, I know that God has heard my prayers and I am confident that He is going to continue His good work in me.... for the rest of the Race, for the rest of my life. I am no longer afraid of the process of change or the unpredictability of the future. I no longer fear the ways of God or His love. I welcome it! I run after it. God you can have all of me, everything.
I am yours for now, for always!
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 3/6/2010
This past month all of our teams split up across three different countries: Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand. Through many hours of prayer we felt that God was leading our team (REV 217) back to Thailand to the northern most province called Chiang Rai. Even though we were somewhat disappointed about not going to Vietnam, we trusted God's plan and booked our bus trip up north.....at least it'd be cooler up there, which is no small blessing in my book! :) Here are a few videos that my teammates made about some of the things that we did in the 2 1/2 weeks that we were in Chiang Rai, proving that God had many good things in store for us and work to be done...
This one Erika made from our weekend in the Lahu hill tribe village where we were invited to attend a wedding:
This next video Nicole made about our time teaching English classes at the church. We had no idea how to teach English since we had never done it before but God helped us through it and things came together. We were able to build relationships and have a few good laughs about our cultural differences and the pronunciation of words like right, short, ugly, and weather. I really loved it. It felt so good to be back in a classroom and placed in a teaching position again! I also have a whole new level of understanding of just how confusing and difficult our language is.
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 2/24/2010
Growing up I don't really remember having big dreams for myself. I think that I was more of a realist even as a child. Having to move all the time helped me learn rather quickly that things are always changing, the future is unpredictable and you just never know what you're going to get so don't set your heart on anything...chances are that it won't really turn out the way that you hoped. I lost the desire to dream, believing it better to not dream at all than to want something and be let down. As a result, I have never really put much thought into the future.... I've just taken things year by year - no real end goal in mind, no big dream to strive after.
When I first discovered the World Race I was so excited about the possibilitiy being able to travel and serve God. However, I immediately wrote it off thinking, surely it can't be real. Things this good just don't exist. I could never do that. It's just too cool. It's something that the person I want to be would do, not me. It wasn't until months later when I met another girl going on the Race that I actually allowed myself to consider the possibility. I cearly remember asking my mom, "Mom, do you really think that I could do this?" Her enthusiasm and support gave me the spark I needed..... And here I am, more than a year later, realizing my dream of traveling the world and serving God and the nations. This was the first time that I allowed myself to dream big, to live outside of the norm, to think of the possibilities and not just the reality. I knew it was going to be hard but God has been there every step of the way.
And now, while on the Race, I have a new dream. It's even bigger than the Race and I'm allowing myself to actually consider it. It is not as big as Martin Luther King Jr's dream but hey, I'm new at this so cut me some slack. I've already spent nights lying awake until the wee hours of the morning thinking about how it might play out, allowing myself to dream about the possibilties while also thinking about the reality of the trials that would come from pursuing this dream. It certainly would not come without resistance. It would be anything but easy to see this dream realized, but at the same time, wouldn't that mean it would totally worth it if/when it does actually happen? I truly believe so. I also believe that God will never call you to something that He doesn't intend to see you through. Learning all of this is making me even more excited about the dreams that God is going to give me that I can't even attempt to imagine right now.... dreams much bigger than just my personal circumstances; dreams for my family, local churches, states, and whole nations!
Let it be known that I have decided that dreaming big is much more fun and exciting than being a realist! There is much to be said for being down to earth but there is even more to be said for allowing God to take hold of your life and take you to places that you never allowed yourself to dream about. And the coolest part? For me, it is the fact that God has an amazing way of looking into your heart, seeing what it truly desires, and then giving it to you... but in a much bigger and better way than you would have gotten it on your own. He'll even give you desires of your heart that you are not fully aware of. It is something that He takes great pleasure in.
SO DREAM BIG PEOPLE!!
Be as a child and allow God to take hold of your imagination. Trust Him with the real desires of your heart. He will not be flippant about it or give you a stone when you ask for bread. Nothing is too big for Him. He can handle anything that you throw at Him. I mean, come on, He's God! I believe that you (the person reading this) have in inkling in your heart, a secret longing for something you truly want to do or to become the person you really want to be - the person God created you to be. Maybe it seems impossible, or it would mean a pay cut or that you would have to move or that you would leave some family or that you would have to go back to school or give up a great job or end a relationship or move with your family - maybe it'll mean looking like a fool to those you love the most or seeming irrational or irresponsible.........
GO FOR IT ANYWAY!! TRUST GOD!
HE WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!
If you are like me and have trouble dreaming, ask God to give you a dream. It is a prayer that He will be more than happy to answer. Let go and enjoy the ride!
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 2/13/2010
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!
Thank You so much for all of your love and support, without which I could never be here, doing this Race, living my dream and pursuing the very Author of Love! You mean everything to me! Words cannot capture all that I feel so I tried to tell you in the best way that I know how.....Pictures! This is your Valentine's Day gift from me to YOU!
(Ps. Not every person I love is represented here...I had limited means for obtaining pictures. There are many more that belong in this video...you know who you are and I love You dearly!)
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 2/7/2010
In case you were wondering exactly what we were doing in Cambodia, I'll give you a little run down of the things that we worked on. First of all we were totally blessed by our contact named Pat who offered up her spare rooms to us so that we could save some money and have a place that felt more homey. It was amazing to have our own little kitchen and bathrooms and a real table to eat at.....with actual chairs to sit on!! (In Asian culture, most families spread out a mat and sit on the floor for meals....and meetings....and sleeping....and working. Furniture in general isn't super high up on the list of priorities.)
Brad spent countless hours cleaning up, synching up, and organizing laptops and desk tops for Pat and the DR center. He also survived many trials and tribulations....but overcame....while creating teaching resources for the teachers to use. There is a huge shortage of Khmer books for kids so Brad had to get english children's books translated, copied, printed, and stapled using third world equiptment which operated at a third world rate. It got so bad he ended up annointing the printer with oiland praying over it! (You might laugh but it never had a single issue after that.)
Destiny Rescue operates partially off of people who sponsor individual children (much like Compassion or World Visison) so part of their responsibility is to track down the children, interview them, and provide the sponsor with updates. Erika got these updates all caught up by interviewing almost a hundred kids and sending off the info to the home base in Australia! Sister worked hard and came back with some pretty funny and heartbreaking stories. I highly reccommend that you read her two blogs: A Story Worth Telling and A nation rebuilding itself
There are 7 teen girls who also work at the center making jewelry and nylon butterflies. The girls have been making these butterflies but had no idea what to use them for so they were just piling up in a closet. Nicole went above and beyond the call of duty by creating a new product for the girls to make and sell in order to earn money and learn business skills. The money earned and the skills learned helps them avoid a life of prostitutionwhich is very common in Cambodia. Together, she and Pat decided to make gift tags and attach the butterflies to them since that portion of the Destiny Rescue mission is titled "Rescued - giving them back their wings." So now the girls have a sellable product and a whole business operating scheme that they can keep in motion long after we leave!
Will put his handy-man skills to work by fixing a number of tables for the children at the learning center and the daycare center, hanging up pictures, fixing various plumbing problems and rigging up mosquito nets in the house! He also spent his time forming a solid relationship with one of the local men named Touch. He is 22 years old and makes money from a small barbering business. I also highly recommend that you read his blogs about Touch which are sure to tug at your heart strings! His blogs are: Meet My Barber and Meet My Barber II
Lastly, I spent a good deal of the time creating new broshures for the Learning Center and the Daycare Center and taking pictures for the video below. Pat's desire was to have more promotional matieral to hand out to people passing through and generate interest in DR Cambodia back in Australia. It was a tough job getting pictures of all those adorable kids but hey, somebody had to do it! :) Though we had little time to get to know them they loved us like we had been there for years. Whenever we walked into their classrooms we were greeted with dozens of happy "HELLO's", handshakes, high-fives, and hugs! They were definitely the bright spot of each day. Here is a peek at some of the faces that greeted us every morning....
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 2/3/2010
Jesus gave us the greatest commandment and it's no wonder that it happens to be the one that we break most often, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and the second is like it; love your neighbor as yourself."We really are terrible at it; our default setting in nearly every difficult or challenging situation is to consider self first.
No one likes to admit that they are struggling to love someone they are supposed to or with the fact that they themselves are being unlovable - that sounds strong but sometimes, often times, we make it difficult for others to love us. We act selfish, we're rude or short-tempered, we're stubborn and resist change, we're prideful and refuse to accept help, we're judgmental and expect everyone to do things our way, we demand to be heard yet refuse to listen, we ask for love but choose not to give it, we're messy, inconsiderate, vain, proud, hard-hearted and stiff-necked. Rather than admit that we are fallen individuals, we like to blame others, avoid the subject, justify our actions and stubbornly cling to our rights to be whom and what we are. We demand of everyone, love me for who Iam but here's what you need to change.... I don't feel any sense of hypocrisy in writing this because it is the truth and because this is my story. This is me.
God revealed this the other day while I was "journal processing" as I like to call it. I'll share my entry but don't judge me, ok J:
"I'm having a hard time conrolling my negative thoughts - mostly about my teammates. Maybe because we're spending so much time together it's becoming easier to identify their faults and easier to become irritated or offended by them.The real problem though is that they are not the real problem. I am. I believe that the things that I imagine I don't like about them are really a reflection of the things I don't like about myself. They are a mirror to me. If my thoughts [about my team] were so righteous I would not feel so defensive or hostile because of them. I would not feel such a desire to tear down and destroy. My desire to destroy comes from a deeper desire to remove the mirror. I don't want to face myself and the things in me that need to change. "
God confirmed the truth of this, when I read this verse the next day in my devotions: "As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects man."Ouch. Seeing yourself and not liking the reflection is quite the blow to the heart and mind.
Speaking of mirrors, I'm quite cynical when it comes to the whole dating scene thing. ...spending hours in front of the mirror, getting all dressed up, and trying to put your best face forward; hide your imperfections so you can reel ‘em in and then crush ‘em with fault after fault when they're all content and unawares. It seems so villainous. I frequently say (and I'm probably wrong) that an ideal way to start a relationship would be to walk up to someone and say, "This is everything that sucks about me. If you think you can deal with that we'll shoot for date number two." The point is that in every relationship (no matter the type), whether right away or a couple of months/years into it, you will have to face the other person's fallen nature, they will have to face yours and you will have to face your own. In that moment you will have to answer two very important questions: Will I choose to love anyway? And am I willing to change my reflection? I believe that the only marriages, friendships, partnerships, or teams that survive are the ones who answer with a Yes, no matter how enthusiastically or begrudgingly. Change and love after all, are choices.
I believe that this is where we are at as a team. We are being confronted with each others imperfections, idiosyncrasies, and personality differences and it certainly isn't always fun and easy. We can't hide it or run from it any longer. The gig is up. We're starting to step into the reality of human relationships; the beauty and the mess. It can be difficult to communicate, even harder to understand, and harder still to accept what you do understand. We are tempted to be impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, and arrogant, act unbecomingly, seek our own, become offended, and keep record of wrongs, reject, mistrust, and bail on each other. We are tempted to insist that the mirror change instead of the reflection. With the temptations come those questions: Will we choose to love anyway? Are we willing to change? Through the grace of God, we have all answered the question with a loud, resounding YES!
"This is my commandment, that you love one another,
just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this,
that one lay down his life for his friends."
"...in reference to your former manner of life, lay aside the old self...
and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, put on the new self,
which in the likeness of God has been created
in righteousness and the holiness of truth."
And now I have to ask myself just one more question, am I capable of really living this way, more importantly, am I capable of loving this way? Can I change my reflection, lay aside the old self, and love others as God has loved me? In my own flesh, using my own efforts? Surely not. I am doomed to fail. Everything in my nature desires the opposite because change and love both require great personal sacrifice. Sacrifice is painful, just ask Jesus. However, "it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." Is Christ capable? Absolutely. He is the author of love. HE IS LOVE! In this truth I am learning to trust and I glean my courage and strength from the scriptures:
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God;
and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God...
by this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has
sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him...
if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us....
God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
"My heart and flesh may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 1/21/2010
Here is a video that my teammate Nicole Ricketts made about the some of the work that we have been doing at our new ministry site in Cambodia. We are currently partnered with an organization called Destiny Rescue which does a number of incredibly good things to serve the local villages in Phnom Penh. We had a great time painting the tables....it was a beautiful sight to see how well our team worked together on them. We couldn't be happier with the final product but the kids' reaction was the BEST part of all!!!
While riding in the front window of a double decker tour bus, chilling out with my ipod and pretending to be on a theme park ride, God gave me an idea for a video for the ministry we were doing on Bangla Road. I still feel very blessed that my team all decided that they would support and participate in the making of this video. I want to send a special shout out to Alana, Maryanne, Annie, Allison, Bethany, Jamie, Celeste, Caiti, Sydnee, April, Erika, and Nicole for your encouragement and excitement!! You all are amazing women! :)
Making this video was humbling in that it was so clear that God was directing every step.
It was a day that I will never forget and I pray that you will be blessed as well. Love you!!
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 1/13/2010
My last blog might have been kind of depressing so I thought that it would be cool to show you some of the highlights from Thailand because it's not like it was spiritually agonizing all the time. There were some pretty cool things that happened in the bars and there were also some good times with the team over Christmas and New Years.......
To start off with.....there was one things aboutThailand that always made me chuckle and that was the public signs:
* Most of Eastern Europe and Asia employ the use of Squatty Potties (ceramic holes in the floor) instead of Westernized toilets so local people coming in from the villages or outlying suburbs can become confused as to how to use the modern design.
Over Christmas, all the teams left their ministry sites and met back up in Bangkok at the YWAM base in order to spend the holiday together as a whole Squad. We had a blast running around the city, shopping, eating new foods and just hanging out with each other. The girls and guys had been separated for the month due to the nature of our ministry so after weeks of being apart it felt really good to be reunited and have our little family back together again!!
We even got up early on Christmas day to exchange gifts with one another. Will got a t-shirt with Bruce Lee on it because all the kids from Cicrin Orphange called him "Chino Bruce Lee" all month and for Brad we got one that said "Bruce Lee is my Homeboy".... reason being obvious. Nicole even made up a song about our team and sang it to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. I received an eye mask the perfectly expresses how I feel when it comes to the night time hours! (My team is well aware that one of my biggest frustrations is trying sleep with all the noise and lights and people and just everything....) You may also notice that I am holding a fuzzy little friend in my arms and he would be the newest member of our Squad. His name is Hippo the Cow because, well, after long days with little sleep one can become confused by the species of brightly colored stuffed animals in Toys-R-Us in Bangkok, Thailand- so cut me some slack OK!!
Our ministry this month involved going down to the island of Phuket and reaching out to the bar girls who work in the red light district. It was crazy, chaotic, and confusing much of the time but there were some really cool moments as well. We really enjoyed getting to know the girls there and building relationships beyond the "you're just another customer who I feel obligated to entertain" mentality. To do that we spent time playing games like Connect Four and Jenga, which I would caution anyone to challenge us at now since we were trained by the best of the best - these girls play every single night!
One of my favorite girls was Jeab. She is 22 years old and has a 2 year old daughter who is being taken care of by her parents. She has not been back to see her daughter in over 7 months - pretty much since she left her hometown to come and work in the bars. Jeab, being young and newer to the" business" is still quite full of light and life. My prayer is that she can hang on to that while trying to get out of where she is and build a better life for her and her daughter. To keep themselves from falling completely apart, the girls form close relationships with each other and try not to think.........
One pretty cool story that God was very clearly a part of was one involving a young Thai man named Tom. It started with us walking through a street called Soi Loin which is normally off limits during the day, but that particular day we were able to go back and pray through the bars. Nicolce felt the Spirit on her pretty strongly so we went back that night to see what God had in store. We talked to some girls but didn't get far because of the language barrier and their level of intoxication, but before we left Nicole suggested talking to one of the bartenders. We met Tom and he explained how he was recently married and saving up to take his wife ona honeymoon. Tom had only been working there for 10 days - working on one of the darkest streets at one of the loudest bars with many young girls dancing all around....not a good set up for a young newlywed. So we prayed that God would protect him and somehow bring him out of the trap that layed befor him. A couple of nights later, when we returned to the bar with the girls pictured above, who would be behind the bar but Tom, our friend from Soi Lion!!! He came over and we hugged him like we'd known him for years. Tom had decided that the other bar was too loud and crazy so he came to this one instead - the one that we had been visiting almost everynight!! Coinci-dence? Um....I don't think so! God Rocks!
And last, but certainly not least, was our New Years Eve on the beach!! They had more fireworks than I have seen since Thunder Over Louisville when I was 10 and it was completely packed with people all the way up to the shoreline! Some of us decided to welcome in 2010 with a splash so we dove into the Gulf Thailand fully clothed and baptized ourselves in the cool, clean salt water! We also had the opportunity to send off a Thai lantern - letting our light shine in the darkness!
Here's a little video snapshot of our New Years experience created by my teammate Nicole Ricketts:
Posted in General Posts by Jessica Johnson on 1/13/2010
I have tried pretty hard to convince my team that back home I am generally well balanced, stable in my emotions, and usually confident in my intellect. They are having a hard time believing me because ever since coming on the Race I have been the "high-strung/moody" one of the group. My emotions are all over the place, all the time and well, I often leave them wondering what is coming next. I have affectionately diagnosed myself as being spiritually bipolar because it is not so much that my thoughts and emotions about the Race, my team, or the ministries undulate so much as it is my beliefs, thoughts and feelings about God. One day I think He is amazing, loving, good, just and caring – the next I am screaming and crying, full of anger and frustration at His lack of communication or action or at His answers and chosen actions. When my views about God get all out of whack, the rest of me goes haywire as well. God must have giggled when I thought I was all done with that after Guatemala and I feel like a fool for believing that I was making a lot progress. Instead it has been two small steps forward and one leap back (still slightly ahead though).
I've thrown a lot of temper tantrums at God this past month and my overall theme for Thailand has been "I just don't understand." And it's true. There is so much that I just DON'T understand. Part of it is being in a culture that truly is different than Western culture and having to adjust to that isn't always fun. For example: People don't really do the "first come, first served" thing here. They have no problem pushing past you or even calling out their order over your head, especially if you are a "farang" (foreigner)....it can take you 20 minutes to get a cup of coffee!! The concept of a line is brilliant in my humble opinion. But that kind of stuff is easier to get over because I can tell myself that I am visiting their country so it is not my right to have things done the way that I think they should. BUT when it comes to GOD I have a tendency to feel a much larger sense of entitlement. So for days I shook my fist at God and wept with equal amounts of bitterness and desperation.
Nearly every night we walked through the bars in the red light district and I felt rather numb to it all. I expected to feel broken about the women who sell themselves and the men who buy but I really didn't and that made me angry. God, I asked you to help me feel your heart towards these people – why don't I feel anything? Then we started to prayer walk the streets during the day and ask God to point us where He wanted us to go. God, I asked you where to go – why won't you show me? Then we started speaking words of life over each other (13 girls living together). God, I asked you to give me words for my teammates – why do I hear nothing? Then we asked God to give us big dreams for the girls and for Patong as a whole. God, I asked you for a dream – why do I see nothing? Then we would pray for God to give us specific words to speak to the girls in the bars that would open their hearts to receive Him. God, I asked you for words to speak – why do I have nothing to say? God, I'm here, ready to be used by you in any way that you want. I'm not afraid. So why won't you do anything? Why? Why? WHY?!?!
I'm sorry God. I must have disappointed you again. I have screwed something up. I must have angered you. I thought that I was finally starting to get it more. I thought that I was finally wanting the right things for the right reasons but now I'm not so sure. I'm sorry that I don't have more faith. I'm sorry that I don't trust you more. I'm sorry that I have let you down and I'm sorry that I don't believe like others here believe. I'm sorry that I don't know how to hear your voice. I'm so sorry that I don't know how to love you the way that I am supposed to. Please Lord, help me. I don't know where else to turn. I am desperate for answers. I want to please you. I don't want to feel like I do right now. Make it stop.
But He won't make it stop. I want spiritual lithium but we won't prescribe it to me. I want my fix of comfort, control, and stability. Instead I have to go through this. He refuses to let me go numb again. I may hate that I am currently a person of high highs and low lows, that every emotions is felt at a whole new level of intensity, but I have to believe that God has a purpose for it. There must be a reason for His silence and per my last blog about hunting for the heart of God, I will continue to search it out.
I have absolutely no idea as to why He is choosing to have me go through this but what I can tell you is that life is no longer monotonous or dull. Everything is interesting; a new adventure always around the corner. That doesn't mean that it is always fun and enjoyable....in fact most of what I have gone through emotionally and spiritually has been anything but. But I know that God loves an on-fire child. I sometimes imagine Him thinking: Now you are starting to learn how to truly live the way that I created you to live, with passion, depth and purpose. I enjoy watching your heart burn, even if it is with anger towards me or desperation for yourself – you are no longer lukewarm. And no worries love, it'll make more sense in time. But do me a favor? Please don't ever think that you have "gotten it" lest you start to lean on your own understanding, put me back in a box, and cease to seek me out.
PS. I'm still here even when you can't hear me, feel me, or see me. It'll be okay.
When I first discovered the World Race I was so excited about the possibilitiy being able to travel and serve God. However, I immediately wrote it off thinking, surely it can't be real. Things this good just don't exist. I could never do that. It's just too cool. It's something that the person I want to be would do, not me. It wasn't until months later when I met another girl going on the Race that I actually allowed myself to consider the possibility. I cearly remember asking my mom, "Mom, do you really think that I could do this?" Her enthusiasm and support gave me the spark I needed..... And here I am, more than a year later, realizing my dream of traveling the world and serving God and the nations. This was the first time that I allowed myself to dream big, to live outside of the norm, to think of the possibilities and not just the reality. I knew it was going to be hard but God has been there every step of the way. 
And now, while on the Race, I have a new dream. It's even bigger than the Race and I'm allowing myself to actually consider it. It is not as big as Martin Luther King Jr's dream but hey, I'm new at this so cut me some slack. I've already spent nights lying awake until the wee hours of the morning thinking about how it might play out, allowing myself to dream about the possibilties while also thinking about the reality of the trials that would come from pursuing this dream. It certainly would not come without resistance. It would be anything but easy to see this dream realized, but at the same time, wouldn't that mean it would totally worth it if/when it does actually happen? I truly believe so. I also believe that God will never call you to something that He doesn't intend to see you through. Learning all of this is making me even more excited about the dreams that God is going to give me that I can't even attempt to imagine right now.... dreams much bigger than just my personal circumstances; dreams for my family, local churches, states, and whole nations! 
Be as a child and allow God to take hold of your imagination. Trust Him with the real desires of your heart. He will not be flippant about it or give you a stone when you ask for bread. Nothing is too big for Him. He can handle anything that you throw at Him. I mean, come on, He's God! I believe that you (the person reading this) have in inkling in your heart, a secret longing for something you truly want to do or to become the person you really want to be - the person God created you to be. Maybe it seems impossible, or it would mean a pay cut or that you would have to move or that you would leave some family or that you would have to go back to school or give up a great job or end a relationship or move with your family - maybe it'll mean looking like a fool to those you love the most or seeming irrational or irresponsible......... 
the darkest streets at one of the loudest bars with many young girls dancing all around....not a good set up for a young newlywed. So we prayed that God would protect him and somehow bring him out of the trap that layed befor him. A couple of nights later, when we returned to the bar with the girls pictured above, who would be behind the bar but Tom, our friend from Soi Lion!!! He came over and we hugged him like we'd known him for years. Tom had decided that the other bar was too loud and crazy so he came to this one instead - the one that we had been visiting almost everynight!! Coinci-dence? Um....I don't think so! God Rocks!